my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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