peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
