the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
