can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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