my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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