The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
