The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I checked into jail on foursquare
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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