the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
