There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
