this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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