You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
