got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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