i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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