I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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