i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
