I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
