Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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