Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize