Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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