A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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