today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
