My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
