bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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