About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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