Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
