So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
