He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
