i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
someone owes me an orgasm
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
