While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize