I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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