mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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