She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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