I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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