Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
