First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
