tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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