her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize