He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
