The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
