i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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