DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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