So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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