Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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