Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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