Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize