I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Randomize
