I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
