Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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