Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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