My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize