One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
