I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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