we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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