we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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