so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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