Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
