you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Someone shit on the floor
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
