mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
